happenings, of sort.

Do you know those people who post an infinite number of quotables on Pinterest and Facebook? Yeah, those people annoy me. Don't get me wrong, I love a good quote, but I don't need a daily affirmation in quote or e-card form.
Any who...this posting is getting my crippled self through the week.

It's not really even a quote. It's more of a rhyming thought, a vision, my mantra to what next week holds and why my limping, tired body wakes to another day of being spread a little too thin by life and the pooping minions.

Nick left on Sunday for his annual backpacking trip. In Hawaii. Yeah, not a rough life. I've had the absolute pleasure of staying home with my energy leaches. BUT really, we get to go join him in a mere 88 hours, no, I'm not counting.

In other happenings...
I got a teaching job. I know, I know. My SAHMhood was short lived. BUT it was beautiful and fun and exhausting. This is a really good thing for me and for our family. I know this year is going to be incredibly challenging for me and for the boys, but totally worth it.

Nick and I also seized the rare opportunity to go out with friends last weekend. It was so fun. We laughed so hard (a little pee leaked out) and drank pink champagne and ate incredible food. Diamondback and these friends NEVER disappoint.

sahm

I did it. I'm officially a stay at home mom. What? Really? I know, on my list of things I want to be when I get older, sahm was not one of them. But neither was part-time swim coach, so I must move on and right now, "moving on" means staying at home with my little crazies.

No, but really, the final decision was made after reading this article. Nick and I sat down and thought, wow, with such a legit study, done by the University of Washington (your tax dollars hard at work, Washingtonians)...if assuming more traditional roles is the only way to get more sex, we might as well take the plunge.

No, but really, REALLY. I know I don't get this time back, and I want to enjoy every moment with the boys or ignore them to post those moments on instagram.... Charlie will still go to school a few days a week (you want me to stay sober, right?) but Mack and I are in it for the long haul. And no job for me means, no convenient use of a babysitter just because I feel the need to be alone for a few moments.
Ahh...we all make sacrifices.

But, yay! Freedom! I can't wait to slave over a hot stove all day and greet my man at the door with his old-fashion on the rocks.

Now, because I'm such a good mom, I am going to shower while my baby cries...
It'll be quick, promise.

Disclaimer: this whole post was written with just a bit of snark.

CIO

Mack is twelve weeks old today! A huge milestone, in my book. I have not been shy about my dislike for the newborn stage, but I only had experience with our firstborn. Mack's newborn stage was a breeze compared to the first time around...possibly if I had this experience the first time, I wouldn't have such a distaste for this stage. I love that he is leaving the little alien (or 4th trimester if you read Karp) stage and making an official transition to the rolly, polly infant/human stage.

But twelve weeks in our house, also means learning to self-soothe.
Ahhh, a hard weekend to sit through.
Up until this point, I have followed the babywise, eat-wake-sleep framework, but I have fed on demand and helped him fall asleep by rocking him or putting him in the sling. I had this weekend on the calendar to cry-it-out because it was a holiday weekend and I would have Nick around to keep Charlie occupied, but I hadn't really decided on officially doing it until last Thursday. Why? Because our routine didn't bother me too much, I enjoyed holding him and having him in the sling and it worked with Charlie's outings.
But inevitably, there comes a time, and this weekend was it for Mack.

It is SO hard to listen to your baby cry. But, as a parent, I think it's easy to confuse hard with wrong. There are a lot of things in life that are hard, that bring great rewards and I think teaching our baby how to sleep is one of the greatest gifts I can give him and my family.

So our CIO journey began on Friday morning, and he figured it out pretty quickly, just like Charlie, but our biggest problem has always been sleeping through that 45 minute sleep transition, and Mack was experiencing the same problem. He would whine for a few minutes, fall sleep for 40 minutes, and proceed to wake up and cry out the rest of his nap. This happened for all four naps on Friday. But on Saturday, he figured it out, a switch flipped, and I had a beautiful sleeping baby boy that I had to wake up from every one of his two hour naps. Yesterday and today, haven't been as smooth, some naps are good, some are bad. He usually wakes up at that 45 minute mark, fusses and proceeds to put himself back to sleep, which is the goal.

Sleep begets sleep, right? Yes it does! Not only have his nighttime stretches been longer the last few days, but he is eating/latching better and it genuinely happy during his wake time. I love this stage of babyhood and I can't wait to celebrate it with better sleep for our whole family!

Mack's Twelve Week Schedule
7am: Wake & Eat
8am: Nap #1
10am: Wake & Eat
11am: Nap #2
1pm: Wake & Eat
2pm: Nap #3
4pm: Wake & Eat
5:30pm: Nap #4
7pm: Wake & Eat
7:30ish: Bedtime

Oh, breastfeeding.

I have a love/hate relationship with breastfeeding. I learned to enjoy it with Charlie. It took a few months, a couple nipple shields and several visits with La Leche but eventually we both got the hang of it. It became easy, convenient and cheap(!). So I was definitely looking forward to a shorter learning curve the second time around...but 11 weeks later we are only now catching on. Whoever said it was easier was on crazy pills. I get why people quit, because it's hard!

Both of my boys were tongue tied or born with a short frenulum (I blame Nick), and I don't have great nursing nipples, so it has been extremely hard to established a good nursing technique. Mack started off preferring one side and I used a nipple shield on the other side. He would nurse for 15-20 minutes on each side and I enjoyed it. It made me slow down and sit and relax, which is hard with a two year old. But just a few weeks ago, right as he was starting to master a latch, he would get super fussy, and only nurse for a few minutes on each side. These short feeding sessions were happening every two hours, which is hardly enough time for him to have wake time and get a nap. That once enjoyable quiet time, was now stressful and short. I started to worry he wasn't getting enough food, so my solution was to pump and bottle feed...which is annoying! It is a lot more time consuming and creates an infinite amount of dishes to clean. I can barely shower...I don't need more dishes.

Anyway, after reading everything possible and spending hours on the phone with a lactation consultant...we just need to practice more. Bottom line: practice makes perfect, right? It has already gotten better since I've stopped worrying about it, he's thriving and gaining weight and that's all that matters.

Oh, motherhood, always something to keep us awake at night...

Mack's Arrival

Have I mentioned that I LOVE reading women's labor stories? I've been known to troll mommy blogs in my free time looking for another labor/birth story to read. It is just amazing how incredible and unique each experience is for each woman. It is like a special club that I get the privilege to be apart of, like, "women should rule the world because they make and birth babies club." And because of this, I would lay awake at night wondering how our little man would enter the world. Would it be the same or different than the first time (Charlie's labor story)? Would my water break, the contractions start or would I have to be induced? These questions plagued my mind day in and day out, but especially in the weeks leading up to the big day. So here it is, from the 37th week to Mack's big day...

For those you guys that know me, I am extremely competitive. Everything in my life is a race or competition, including pregnancy. It wasn't necessarily a race against other people, it was more like, "how fast can I gestate a baby?"And the first time, I did it in 37 weeks. WIN! 37 weeks = full term = perfect! So although my official due date was November 4th, the due date in my head was definitely mid-October. So when that came and went, I was really down in the dumps. I had failed at having a full term baby, early. Get it?
I proceeded to think that the baby was coming every single day after that date. I was 3cm dilated, 50% effaced and then 75% at my doctor appointments, my body was getting ready but baby wasn't coming fast enough for this gal.

And like everyone said, he wouldn't stay put for forever.

On Monday at 1:30ish my water broke and our adventure began. I wasn't having any contractions at the time, so they admitted us, monitored the baby and inserted an IV (just in case of a need for a blood transfusion or I chose IV pain meds). Well, I hate needles...have I ever mentioned that? My hatred for needles is more of the reason I chose natural child birth with Charlie than the need to have a natural labor experience. So when she did the first IV and poked through the vein, I was a bit shaken. On her second try, she inserted it into my hand and it was pinching me enough to make me uncomfortable. So within minutes, as she was talking about the possible need for pitocin if my contractions didn't start within a few hours, I was getting severe tunnel vision and nausea. I ask for a barf bag, but proceed to pass out and convulse. When I came to, I felt like I was waking up from a bad dream. Several nurses had rushed into the room and everyone was staring at me. Nick was clearly shaken up, he had turned a nice shade of white...as was my newbie nurse...the one that caused all this in the first place! I was a bit embarrassed, I had just failed my first test of birthing a baby naturally, passing out from the flippin' IV!

I have to admit, this incident, threw me off my "A" game a bit. After the incident, I was open to anything. I knew I didn't have a lot of control over how my body was going to progress and if the need for pitocin did arise, it would severely lessen my ability to have a natural birth again. I was just going to go with the flow...

I recovered pretty quickly and they allowed us to walk around the hospital campus to see if I could get my contractions started without the need of cytotec or pitocin. And that they did, by 4pm, they were coming every five to eight minutes and were painful enough that I had to stop walking and talking to get through them. I knew the doctor would be there between 5:30-6:30pm to check my cervix, so as my contractions moved closer together, I was getting anxious to see how far I had dilated. Up until seeing the doctor at 6ish, my contractions were manageable and when he checked me I was at 5cm. Not great, but progress and I was managing the pain or so everyone thought. These were becoming pretty intense, pretty fast but my nurse kept talking about how well I was handling the pain. See, here is the thing, I don't like to show pain in front of people I don't know, so every time she would walk into the room, I am sure it looked like very serene pain management. But I do remember yelling at Nick (more than once) to FOCUS when we were alone.
Jekyll and Hyde, maybe?

So my next move was to the bath, because what is a good labor story if it doesn't involve a little bare ass in the air on all fours nakedness? The minute I entered the bath, I couldn't seem to take the contractions one at a time...which was always my goal. I kept thinking, I can't do this for another five hours (women generally dilate a centimeter an hour). It seemed to be the only thought in my mind, as the contractions were only giving me 30 seconds to a minute break between them. So just then, I decided I didn't care...I just wanted a baby, I wasn't willing to deal with the pain. I asked Nick to go tell the nurse, that I had decided to get a spinal (our hospital doesn't have an anesthesiologist on staff 24 hrs/day so they can only administrator spinals). She came in again and told me that I was managing the pain too well and that I should try to go a little longer, but I had made up my mind and nothing she was saying was going to change it. So she called and I had about 15 minutes to get out of the bath and get dry...

As I stepped out of the bath at 7pm (less than an hour after I was checked at 5cm), I felt this overwhelming need to push. My nurse checked me right there and I had dilated to a 10! And just then my mindset completely changed. Pssht! Spinal, I don't need no Spinal! I can totally do this thing! That is when chaos entered the room, the doctor was called, they begged me not to push, but I couldn't help it!

My pushing phase was still pretty intense, but nothing I couldn't handle, because it went so fast. This, my friends, is the power of a positive attitude. When I thought I had five hours left, I had made up my mind that I couldn't possibly do it. But when I had dilated to a 10, my body's ability changed. It's crazy how your mind is so in control of your body. Now, it still took me a good 30 minutes to get him out, and it wasn't until I had let down my guard and let out a few good screams, did I start making progress, but he flew into the doctors arms...all (almost) eight pounds of beautiful!

Mack Hamilton Waelty came down the birth canal so fast, both of his eyes had subconjunctival hemorrhage and his eye sockets are a little bruised. But I can only hope that he knew how badly we wanted to meet him and love him and he was willing to sacrifice his post-birth photo ops to meet us too! 

It's crazy how fast our love came flooding out. As a parent to one child, I always wondered how I could possibly love someone else in the same way, but just like that, in a mere instant, our love grew indefinitely for this little creature in my arms. 

Welcome to the world, Mack, thank you for completing our little family!

Ooooh the GUILT.

I've always had a guilty conscience. As a kid, whenever I would lie, it would just eat at me. I remember laying in bed praying to God for forgiveness. Ironically, this was also the time I quit praying because I figured it was easier to quit lying then is was to always ask for forgiveness. Hence my horribly candid personality.

As I got older, the guilt would eat a me if I missed a swim practice or thought I didn't work hard enough in a workout. I still don't understand why Nick doesn't feel "bad" when he has a day off from exercising.

Forget what Freud would say, it's weird right?

BUT being a mom has brought on more guilt than I could have ever anticipated.
I feel guilty about everything...
I feel guilty for taking him to childcare at the gym.
I feel guilty about leaving him with the babysitter.
I feel guilty about leaving him with his Dad.
I feel guilty about working.
I feel guilty about letting him cry.

It's like ending every day knowing I could have/should have done a better job at being a mom.

Anyway, I bring this up because today we went to Charlie's 6 month appointment at the doctor and come to find out the kid has only gained 4 ounces in the last two months. Really? Do I suck that much at feeding my kid? I mean, he is always fussy after he eats. He is always pissed when you take away the boob or the bottle. But let's be real, his Dad can't carry on a conversation during a meal because it would interrupt the constant stream of food from plate to mouth. Both of the boys give me stink eye if I try to talk while they're eating.
But really, only 4 ounces???

So yes, I've been starving my kid for the last two months. Guilt isn't even a good word to describe what I am feeling...culpable, sucky, horrible, bad? Bad. I feel really bad.

Charlie's Arrival

I am sitting down to write this post so I remember my labor just like it happened. So many times people would tell me their own story or to tell how beautiful and spiritual the labor experience had been. I usually just listened, but the only thing on my mind was "at least he'll be on his way out." But my experience on the 27th & 28th of May was just that...so mind blowing, it was spiritual, beautiful and completely sacred to Nick and me.

I didn't go into pregnancy with the intention of having a natural birth. It wasn't even something that crossed my mind until sometime around my 30th week. I was bummed with life. I had started to slow down in the pool and my running (trotting) had come to a major halt. I was walking on the treadmill at the speed of SLOW, taking 50 minutes to walk 3 miles. You see, working out had always been consent in my life and it always provided me with goals and results. So as I was talking to Jenni on the phone, asking again, what type of pain I should be expecting to experience, did the idea of a natural birth come up. Like everyone else, the pain was indescribable but she suggested that I try it. Bing! A goal!

Disclaimer: My decision to have a natural birth is in no way a judgement on how any other woman gives birth, just a mere suggestion en route to self-discovery.

We spent time watching videos in our birthing classes and you would see women naked and breathing, grunting, counting and making crazy screams. "That won't be me", I thought. Nick would say, "those women don't manage pain very well." But this pain was a type of pain women couldn't describe, how did we know how I would manage it?

Well the day came, 21 days early...I had been uncomfortable all freakin' day! Up to that day, I just felt fat, not uncomfortable. In reality, I just thought is was probably about time I start feeling weird, that means it is coming to an end. That night, I slept on the couch so I could have something to lean against and I was waking up every hour to pee or readjust.

THEN, I wet myself.

I made it to the toilet and yelled to Nick that my water broke. He just laid in bed (processing?) and I started to cry. I wasn't ready. My bags weren't packed and I hadn't finished things at work. SHIT! And guess what, that uncomfortable feeling...oh, those were contractions.

Now at this point, I didn't want to be that woman that goes to the hospital and they send her home. BUT per my dr's instructions, if your water broke you were supposed to be at the hospital within a few hours; so we went.

After we were admitted into our labor room, one of the first things the nurse asks you are your goals. Goals? Well my only goal was to try to have a natural birth but I didn't want to reveal that goal for fear of failure. At that point, I was just uncomfortable...this couldn't be the type of pain that people talk about? As she stood there with the pen uncapped, waiting for an answer, I decided to tell her; and she wrote it up for the world to see.

Goals

1) natural labor

2) skin to skin

I'll spare you the 12 hours of walking around trying to get my contractions to start back up again. Fast forward to 7pm on the 28th and my contractions had finally come to the point where I had to stop talking/walking and focus. By 10 pm, they agreed to check me in between contractions and I had dilated to 5cm. Um, that means I still have 5 more to go...

At that point, the only position that felt good was standing up and leaning over, burying my head into the bed. Now Nick had stayed mostly silent up to this point, he would lay down in bed and jump up every time a contraction started and would massage my lower back. Although, he was still watching TV (I heard him laughing at Jimmy Kimmel) he was 100% on task during the painful parts. Pain, I said it, there was a lot of pain. A type a pain that I cannot even begin to describe. The type of pain that makes you come so close to fainting and throw up everything you've put into your stomach in the last 48 hours. Crazy pain.

So like the crazy ladies on the videos, I was taking off my clothes and counting to 45 each time. I knew if I made it to 30 the worst was over but at 45 counts, I could count on it being almost over every time. Now the best part about having a natural labor is that your body builds in these crazy breaks just when you think you can't do it anymore. My nurse Karen, just reminded me to take it 1 at a time and just when I thought I might pass out or have to quit, I would get a 3 minute break. At this point Karen (rockstar!) suggested that I get in the tub to soften the cervix and take some weight off my legs. I'm completely naked at this point (who am I?) on all fours in the tub asking Nick to cover my butt so no one will look at it...I still had some humility.

Except that I thought I was going to shit myself so I kept asking if I could sit on the toilet and my nurse kept reassuring me that I wouldn't shit myself. This reassurance only gave me temporary relief because she couldn't possibly know the type of pressure I was feeling in my butt!!! Side note: I didn't shit myself, and I don't have hemorrhoids...this in itself is a small victory.

Karen promised to check me again in an hour, as she was doing so the rest of my water broke and I was 10 cm. Hallelujah! Now there was no doctor in the vicinity, they hadn't even called him yet! And Karen said it was time to push...what? really? already? And just then I was hit with the type of pain that would knock the HULK right to the freakin' floor!

Karen also promised it would be quick, "he's sitting so low," "he is right there, that is why you are feeling all that rectal pressure," "5 more pushes and you'll get to meet him."

Now close to an hour later, Nick is cheering, and there I am thinking that it's all over, except the HULK is still down for the count. And the doctor goes, "Now one more push to get his shoulders out."

What the...?

You've got to be kidding me! No, I quit! Can I quit now?

Nick shoves my head into my chest and tells me to push, push harder.

And suddenly, he really is here, all of him, all ten fingers and toes. With Nick's butt chin and my Dad's furrowed brow. He is here.

I remember Jenni telling me once they are here, all the pain goes away. But what she didn't tell me was that the pain goes away only after the placenta is removed and those stitches are done. That part was really, really painful.

But after that was over, all my endorphins kicked in and I fell madly, deeply, ferociously in love with a 6 lbs, 10 oz little baby boy.

And I couldn't believe it. I did it. I totally did it. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be able to have this experience, that nothing went wrong. I know there was a lot of luck involved. I know how lucky I am. But I did it. I'm damn proud of myself. I have a new prospective on life, this experience changed everything.

He changed everything.